so ironic

i guess not much ppl wil read this blog..
i tried to blog in the livejournal blog..too bad..not working..cant blog dono why...hai~

i failed to be a good daughter..i failed to be a good sister...i failed in everything i do..i failed to be a good student..i dont understnad the lectures in class..i always do my assignmetn and study for my exam at the very last minute..so sad...hai~ i got exam this coming sat and i haven start preparing anything yet..like shit..and i got work tomoro...hai~ so tired but i stil wana blog...

i promised to stay home but i never do..it jus so happened that there are more than one task that needs to be done within the same period of time..but it's also my own problem that i couldn't prioritize my tasks..it's like..i would like to do both tasks but i onli can manage to do well in one...shit ah..........why am i such a failure?

exam around the corner..what am i farking doing here now.? I AM SO FARKING SAD =( FARKING STRESS AND EVERYTHING...

i wish to be alone..i wan to leave everything behind me.....and be alone...
perhaps i shud do smtg meaningful? i dono la..i'm such an idiot..

well..those are the sad thigns...

happy ones... are the ones wiht my beloved darling and my brunei frens..

jus celebrated my dear's bday yesterday and the nite b4...i rili felt that i love him more...cant blif the feeling is back..that kind of feeling which i thought i've lost...i thought i couldn't love someone more..i thought this kind of feeling would be forever lost..but it actually returns..and i'm really loving my bf now a lot...i'm glad =) but there is stil one bad thing bout it..the more u love a person..the more u wil mind wat ever he said..even if jus one small remark.. hai~

and the week b4..we celebrated my junior's bday..everyone was so happy and we took lots of photo..

SIENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!
WAT THE HELL IS LIFE?! I AM SO UNHAPPY WITH MYSELF..i cant do anything well..i planned to do things the way i wanted but it oways become the opposite result! i cant blame anyone cos i'm the farking person to be blamed.. me myself..

her

perhaps i should include happy things in this blog. i'm a bit crazy lol

today we'll be celebrating my niece's 1ST BIRTHDAY! hahah
even b4 turning 1 she has been very 'manja' and naughty >.<

anyway she's stil my cute niece. lolx



i've been drooling over guys LOL hahahah
yesterday went to help out for the street soccer tournament in school with kerren.
saw this cute guy..ok. i admit i have something for 'small eyes' guys. but i dont even know why lol hahah

yesterday in skol i saw one..he was wearing cap. then he came to our table for registration. then when both looked up we had direct contact on the eyes LOL hahah
i think i watched too much taiwan drama series already.lol
lately i have been watching 'dou niu yao bu yao' (bull fighting) taiwan series..kinda long le but i love that so much!!! haha

then last night when i'm out with my 2nd sis to paragon with her frens.. i saw another small eyes cute guy. lol we were at the section where they sell the facial cleansers etc..usually the promoters are girls but i saw one guy..which i think is kinda rare.
he has good skin.. fair..and has small eyes! hahaha lolx

then we were at another booth beside him..then i looked at him once and found him looking at me as well..direct eye contact again.. then we were looking at the products..then i peeped at him a few times and found him looking at me as well..WALAO SO THE PAISEH CAN?! lolx we had direct contacts for a few times..haha sometimes i was like..walking walking then i jus turned my head to the direction of his booth and he was looking at me..i was like..sHIITttt (shy!! man!!)

after we left, i msg my fren and told her..she said she has been drooling over guys too haha too much drama series also lol (she's mike he's fan! so am i !!) and she said it's ok to look at cute guys..lol ya bah guys can look at sui chabos why girls cant look at cute guys then? ahah it's not like we dont allow our bf to do that LOL haha

anyway that's it lor.. nothing special..haha i'm now rotting at home..thinking of the $$ thing and also getting a job thing..hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..

something to say..

last few days..was kinda unhappy..suddenly i feel like i'm not myself..i cant feel myself doing things which i was doing..i feel my soul incomplete..i'm doing things numbly..i feel like anytime i could hit by a car without feeling the pain...

i was really..bad.
never change
i'm not a good daughter..family always criticize me..i care frens more than family.. they're right..but i jus dono why i acted that way..it's already a habit..
i'm not a good gf..i am very selfish..i only think of myself ..i never think of his feeling..perhaps i only love myself..i dono..i'm bad..very bad..
how do frens feel of me? how do i feel of my frens? i dono..perhaps i have done things which i shouldn't..i hurt people..and hurts myself..

that day..this keeps repeating in my mind:
i am living in a shell
as if i were living in a life of hell
sheltering under the roof of jail
struggling as the life of snail

i am crazy.. i was never normal..i was not crazy..i am always crazy.

well..tomoro back brunei already..must must must.......do something RIGHT..cos bf always said i keep doing mistakes..and always done something WRONG..hate myself =(

i'm finally 21...

finally i'm 21 ~!! what can a 21 yr old adult do?

1) watch RA movies ( not interested )
2) go casiNo ( this is the one i don't mind to explore lol )
3) clubbing ( usually 18-yr-old girls already can enter wor.. )

i guess there's not much..lolx but i think there's one more thing..being able to vote! hahaha as in vote for the political party la..but then..dont think i will do it still..cos need to register and all that..haiz~

hahaha anyway i'm so happy to have received lots of.....GIFTS? ya that's one but the most important one is 'LOVE'..hahah i've received lots of LOVE for my 21st birthday!! from family..friends..everyone~!! that makes me the most happy person in the world..EUDAIMONIA~! XD

i love you all =D

the 21-yr-old irEne

After all i'm still not good

Last night’s dinner was great~! Not that I went to dine at restaurant or wat..i was at my bf’s place. And he cooked for me. Hahah so nice~ This was the first time he cooked for me..a complete meal with dessert =D we both ate to the fullest we can..haha and there’s stil some watermelon left though..wasn’t able to finish..haha but it was really a great meal for me =) really happy to have such a nice bf..haha and I never cooked for him yet cos I doNo how to cook good food..lolx

Had plans with frens earlier..so after the meal we both went to his fren’s place and other frens were there to gamble for fun..however, my mum was not happy =( at first when I told her about it..she was like ok lik tat..and I told her I’ll be back latest at 1am..then when I was bout to leave the house..then she said..”I’m leaving tomoro la..outsiders are more kin than mum ah..” she used an angry tone..then I looked at her expression..she was really angry like that..then I got shocked a bit..then like unhappy in the heart..lik got something stab into my heart..then she said..”don’t be home too late!” then I said ok..then I left..but I was feeling bad…=(

Perhaps she’s right..sometimes I feel like I hang out with frens more than family..i told bf about it then he asked me don’t go la gamble la like tat..meaning after meal I go home lor..but then I was like..feeling like to gamble..cos told the frens that I’ll be there to join them for rummy, a game which I longing to play and finally have the chance..but. haiz

I noe..game can be played anytime..but then mum leaving tmr and I’m stil so stubborn want to go play..in the end bf said I decide myself..then I said..ok lor..go play til 1am then go home..planned like that..but never..cos in the end played and waited for another 3 frens coming..waited for like 2 hours? Ya 2 hours..then after that played awhile then I went back..when I got home it was 4am already..i was locked out..then I sms my 2nd sis to ask her to help me unlashed the door..while hoping she could wake up..i was waiting outside at the corridor..if she never opened I would not mind waiting until 6am or wat..but she opened in the end..and I got in..changed and slept..i was really tired n sleepy actually..

Then I noe that mum n bro would be leaving back to brunei early in the morning but I dono wat time..so I also did not set my alarm..when I woke up at 8 45am..my 2nd sis told me they jus left at 8 30am to the airport..so I was lik…ok then..wasn’t able to send them off too =( so sad..i guess mum n bro would be disappointed at me for being such a daughter/sister..

When they were here since Saturday night..i did nt company them on Sunday and Monday..Sunday they went out with uncles and so I went out with my frens as well til night..then Monday we were all home whole day..then around 4plus they wanted to go out but I was sleepy at that moment..so never company them also..but when they got home I was there and talked to them and ate durian together..this trip I seldom company them that is…even if I was in brunei I don think I did company them like I shud..seems like I wasn’t part of the family..haiz =( I am not a good daughter/sister, after all.

the day...

31st of jan was great..met the long time no see pilot fren..who's currently training in sG..had sushi with the 'bruneians'..then played pool..then me and hannah..went shop~ hahaha ok la..we had hair extensions..she got 1 red and i got 2 pink..ahah i like it but i wish i had purple though..a bit ah lien..hahah but first time extension..happy with it..haha now i'm playing with my new hair..will do highlight some day..lolx..

was quite moody today..rot at home whole day..went out dinner with eldest sis and bro in law..then went home..then had a long talk with another 'long lost' fren..haha was a bit unhappy..cos actually thought i'll be out wit the bf..but he end up with his sis so bo pian..if i knew this earlier then i might go to another fren's place to drink...but i end up rotting at home...why today took so long to end? haiz..~~~ so damn moody right now . .

suddenly miss going back brunei so much...my frensss are theree...for cny..wat am i doing here? i wonder...wana go back but don think can...cos got exam to prepare...SIEN whyyyy...haiz..at least i'm happy with my pink colored hair..(extension).. i wana go back brunei...i miss brunei...but i'm worry bout my assignmetn and exam....i am so down now...

i wana go out wit the bf to his fren's place and play cards..gamble la..i was stopped..cos it was too late and she doesn't allowed..she's the housekeeper..i'm turning 21 soon and i am stil being districted from this and that...suddenly i recalled wat my fren told me..i'm big enough to take care of my life and my own business..i shud'nt be restricted by her..i shudn't be controlled by her..but too bad..i stay with her...i have to listen to her..when i was like keep begging her to let me out..eventhough it's late like 10pm..she don allow..she keep saying no..and if i asked again..she wont let me out next time...wtH...at that very moment i wished i could move out of the house right away...it's not like i'm going alone..the bf can drive me home too..and she stil don allowed...i'm stuck in a cage like a little bird...becos tomoro and sunday i'll be at home for the house cleaning thing for cny...then my bf wil back to his hometown from 5th to 17th..i wont be seeing him for so long...miserable and terrible...so damn long...i onli wish to spend some time wit him...i thought today at least we would be going out for movie or wat..or dinner..but no..no more...then tomoro will meet him for dinner..IF POSSIBLE...cos scare something cropped up then cannot make it..i scare i wil be too tired for tomoro dinner after all the cleaning..i dono..i jus wana go out...i wana spend time wit him...i planned for a movie at least b4 he went back...

i wan movie..kbox...i wan to jump sea...i wan beach..i wan to see stars....i wan to be alone..leave me alone...

3 times a day

I FINALLY HAD MY HAIR CUT....

ok..i last had my hair done in nov 2006..then in 2007 all i did was trim my fringe again and again.. and today..30th jan..i actually had my hair cut ..finally

My hair was until my waist length..the longest i have in my life..now is at like..above shoulder length..haha very short huh? ya i miss my long hair though..but the thing is.. my hair colour was uneven and it was really terribly dry and had split ends..so i decided to cut and let my hair has the chance to 'shine' again like it was (as if) =P

how to describe my hair now ah..it's like ..hmm..Hebe, jolin, wang xing ling and angela chang's hair that kind..the hairdresser told me it was called 'concave'..hmm ya i wanted something like tat but it din turned out the way i expected but i'm satisfied though =)

however, i cut my hair thrice and bathed thrice..why ? becos horrr...long story =.=
first i went to this neighborhood hairdresser..then she cut the style that i wanted but it was not 'obvious' enough..and i look like i've had thick hair from top to bottom of the hair..i went home to bath becos the hair was all over..then my 2nd sis helped me trim a bit..she tried very hard..but managed to cut a bit to make it more obvious..then again..the hair is all over again..i had to bath again...finally i decided to cut it again at another salon becos i just cant bear to see my hair 'hanging' half way..like..it should look like this but it doesnt seem like what it should be...i went to another neighborhood's hairdresser again...this time..i am happy!
becos she knows what i want..and she can do it for me..i'm satisfied enough this time..though she din cut too short to make the concave style obvious enough cos she said too short not nice.. but the style is at least shown more obvious this time..and my hair doesn't look as thick as the first time anymore!

i'm so happy with my current hairstyle..haha chinese new year..new look mahh~
my frens saw me today..one said like mushroom, doll, but nice..haha the other said..wasn't used to it..some haven comment yet..hahah cos they've always seen me in loooonngg hair..so they were shocked to see me in my shorrrt hair..hahah it's been 5 yrs since i last had my short hair..hahaha
my sisters also said i look nice in short hair...'he' prefers long hair but he said my short hair was ok..lolx

at the end of the day - i'm happy ^.^